Intro:              00:00:00       Podcasting from the base of Lake Tahoe, in the Eastern Sierras, comes The Medicine Wheel. We are a group of progressive physicians seeking solutions and enlightenment while surfing the seas of big data and summiting mountains of research. In an effort to make the practice of medicine more personal and medical knowledge more accessible and empower you, the listener to be as healthy as possible. Now, The Medicine Wheel.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:00:34       Hello everyone. Welcome back to The Medicine Wheel. Thank you again for joining us here today. It's my pleasure to welcome my co-host, Dr. Ann Barnett and of course myself, Dr. Sean Devlin. Today we've invited over from Northern California, a phenomenal young lady. Her name's Christina Reed and she's going to talk to us about some compelling things in and around sacred sexuality and sexual healing, specifically, for a lot of folks out there who are engaged in intimate relationships, I think this is going to be a very important episode. So please pull out a pad... Of paper, pencil, and be prepared to be educated. Ann.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:01:13       Great. Yeah, I'm really excited to be here with both of you today. This is such an important topic and I feel like we've done such a poor job of addressing this in traditional medicine. So I'm really grateful that you're here and I'm really looking forward to hearing what you can help us with and teach us.

 

Christina Reed:     00:01:36       Thanks so much guys. It's really great to be here on The Medicine Wheel and, yeah, I'm thrilled to be here addressing this from a medical angle cause this is something that we don't always get to speak on. And yeah, I'm really excited to tackle it from, from the safe sex angle and the medical side and the emotional side and bring in some awareness.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:01:58       Great. I think we want to start off to learn a little bit about you. I think it's really important to understand your background, where you're coming from and how you got into this field to begin with and then we'll go into the specifics of the topic.

 

Christina Reed:     00:02:09       Yeah, thanks for asking Sean, so I'm Christina and I do live in Northern California, up in the Redwoods right on the coast. It's super beautiful. I live in Humboldt County where there's like a lot of hippies and nature folks. I'm one of them. So when I'm not immersed in my practice, I'm very much running around hiking and playing in the trees and on the beach. And yeah, very much getting lost in mother nature. So that keeps me grounded and connected to the earth in all my practices. And the way I got involved in sacred sexuality is, it's just always come really easy and natural for me, anything around sex and relationships. My family was a very open and sharing family, I didn't grow up under strict religious dogma or, yeah, we just kind of grew up in an open sharing household, so I think, one, I didn't have that like restriction from a young age put on it. My grandmother shared everything with me about her sex life and, and her body. My mom and dad didn't hide their sex life from me, so I was just naturally always kind of really comfortable in this field. And through the years as I grew into the healing arts and becoming a healing arts practitioner I started to discovered that this was kind of one of my, like, common areas of interest that people just naturally sought me out for. It seemed like they felt comfortable with me and felt safe and I'm a little funny and sassy about it, so I just started helping people heal with their sexuality.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:03:46       So, Christina, may I ask you, what is "sacred sexuality"? Because we've already used that term and it'd be great to know what, how you would define that.

 

Christina Reed:     00:04:00       Yeah. Thank you. That is, a lot of people do ask, like, what is "sacred"? Especially with all the religious, yeah, religious dogma out there today. So to me, sacred sexuality is just applying mindfulness and intention into your sex practices. So whether it's someone you're having sex with for one night or for the rest of your life it's just bringing in a level of like intention and awareness and mindfulness around, around the act, around the engagement, around the relationship and adding in conversation and adding in some of the extra steps that maybe we haven't always done with sex, instead of it just being a physical act, its actually becoming an emotional act and an intellectual share and a full body experience so that all of you can be present.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:04:50       Fantastic. Talk to me a little bit about how you facilitate in this sexual healing and/or sexual therapy and technically I guess in some ways you're basically a sex therapist and you do so from a unique space. I know a lot of sexual therapists who are out there who are more dogmatic and sort of less maybe, intentional at times. And you've shared some things with us in the past that give your approach a little more depth then I've heard about in the past. Can you talk about that?

 

Christina Reed:     00:05:27       Well, thank you for thinking I have depth. I appreciate that. Yeah, so, my approach is probably fairly non-traditional. I originally started in this, again, just pursuing the healing arts and it started with basic things like yoga and meditation and really getting dialed in with my own self care. And this was all about me healing my own self and being in right alignment with, with my practices. And from there, I discovered EFT, which for those of you that don't know, EFT stands for emotional freedom technique, which is tapping you tap on the meridians of your body and it's most common for PTSD and resetting the nervous system. And again, so through becoming an EFT practitioner several years ago, and as I started seeing clients in that field, which is also a therapeutic field of just helping people work through their traumas or any, you know, anything from like, you know, an illness or a car wreck that they had 10 years prior and are still holding in their nervous system again, I started to get a very abundant amount of a common topic and it was sex and it was relationships and it was people standing in their truth and standing in their power. And I just started to recognize like, wow, I'm really being flooded by this topic again and again and again. And I wanted to learn more about it myself and I wanted to get more educated, and so I did, I did some shamanic studies. I did a Somatica training with some folks in San Francisco or in Berkeley, California, and also became a practitioner at The International School of Temple Arts. So I've done a lot of training in this field and like I said, some of it's, you know, a little bit off the regular beaten path and it's, I've fused all of those together to come up with the way I now teach and share and, and offer my services.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:07:23       So I'm really curious what kind of people do you work with and maybe if you could share some of the most common issues that you do see in your clients.

 

Christina Reed:     00:07:36       Yeah, absolutely. Thanks for asking. And I work with everybody. I mean honestly, like I work with single women, single men, married couples, couples that have been in long-term sexless marriages that are ready to address that and perhaps open up their marriage or learn how to get back into passion and deep chemistry and connection with each other. So, everybody, you know, people that are gay, people that are straight, monogamy, polyamory any age bracket, any, any diversity. Yeah, so pretty much a little bit of everybody. It does seem like there's a super common, you know, mid twenties to early fifties seems to be the peak of like, those people are really wanting to like get their sex on track and get their relationships in alignment, and experience abundance and vitality and, and all of that. So I would definitely say that there's a flood of that genre or demographic.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:08:37       And you said you worked with both couples and then individuals. How does that dynamic differ for you?

 

Christina Reed:     00:08:42       Well when you're working with one individual and they're sharing what their relationship status is and how it is that they go about dating and pursuing their sexualpractices, you get one side of the story, which is always super interesting. And when you're working with a couple, you'll get the rest of the equationwhich is also very revealing. And of course there's usually a little bit of refereeing when you're working with a couple because sometimes someone in the rooms tends to think they're right or wrong or that the other one should change to, to meet the other's needs. And a lot of times this is just, it's about communication, it's about coming in to resolution and being open to having repair conversations and really having deep vulnerability, I mean, those of us that have been in relationship for three months, three years, or 30 years, like all those, the basic foundational tools are still communication, honesty, integrity, vulnerability. And if you can maintain that in any relationship, you can probably figure out how to have a sexy health life, or sorry, a healthy sex life.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:09:53       Yeah, one thing that I've seen in patients that I've worked with that has really been a big block in their sexual health is really issues around poor body image and just a lot of sexual shame.

 

Christina Reed:     00:10:11       Absolutely, and thanks for swinging back around to that, Ann. It's one of the top issues, it's one of the daily issues that I work with people on. Body shame and also just being embodied, feeling safe to actually be in your body and be comfortable in your own skin, is a daily, something I see people for daily. And that's again, all walks of life, It's, you know, I think a lot of people think, "Oh, that's a woman issue" I see lots of men about this same issue. And we really discuss their fears and their concerns around, "Hey, I'm getting older," or, "My body shape or size has changed" or, "I don't have the same amount of energy that I want you to have when I was 20 years old." So, it's a huge factor in sex and in relationships, it affects your confidence, it affects your ability to put yourself out there whether you're being really truthful and in your power or not, or whether you're like kind of hiding and, and holding back. I've had my own personal issues with, with body shame and so I have a lot of compassion around that area and it's, it can be one of the number one factors that causes people to shut down their, their sexual appetite and to really go into suppression and to just kind of almost turn that energy off completely. So it can be a really scary, intense thing for people to like to be experiencing that. So that's a huge issue that we work on. And again, I do a lot of EFT and a lot of just therapeutic Somatica practices with that to just like really address how can we love and accept ourselves? How can we like deal with disappointments? How can we, you know, maybe come up with an action plan that would help us feel more confident and centered in ourselves. Yeah.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:11:53       Would you be able to offer us, and maybe, myself, and some of the listeners, some very practical advice or suggestions about how we might be able to start tackling some of those personal issues today and kind of a very simple and easy way?

 

Christina Reed:     00:12:13       Yeah. Kind of just starting off. Some foundational practices. I'd love to, one of them I want to share is the yes-no exercise, which I do think is really important. And leading into this, like you said, body shame and body dysmorphia is a huge issue, and along with that, communication is my number one issue that I deal with singles with couples. And surprisingly, your communication with yourself is one of the top, is really one of the top issues of whether or not we can be honest with ourselves and speak up for ourselves. So that's a huge issue, the body shame thing, safe sex, all of these embodiment issues, you know, learning how to have consent and boundaries, all of these are some of the main topics that I deal with daily, and one of the basic foundational exercises that I teach people first, and addressing all of these, is learning how to honor your 'yes' or 'no'. And I learned this exercise from one of my teachers Sonya Sophia, years ago, who maybe learned it from someone else, I'm not sure, but it's something I use daily and it's really knowing your inner 'yes' and your inner 'no'. And I'd love to show, do you guys want to try it right now? Just to like have a little practice? So what we're going to do is, I just like really recommend that everybody just kind of close their eyes and get nice and centered in your body. Maybe even take a deep breath through the nose and exhale out the mouth. Just letting your body fully relax and just come to a neutral state of being, and I want to encourage all the listeners at home to do this too, It's totally worth it. It's a good little discovery. Maybe one more deep breath. And you're just going to ask yourself, "what does my 'yes' feel like? "And This is just an internal energetic question. So just ask yourself, "what does my 'yes' feel like?" "I want to feel my 'yes' in my body." And don't overthink it. Just let whatever needs to happen, happen. Let it be natural. Good. Let's maybe have a little wiggle. Just kind of do a little wiggle and come out of that one. We're going to take another deep breath. And ask yourself, "what does my 'no' feel like? I want to feel my 'no' in my body. And what's it like to experience my 'no'?" Good. And when you feel complete with that, just gently take your time to like open your eyes and come back into the room. And I'm curious, cause I've done this hundreds of times, but did either of you, Sean or Ann, have an experience? Did you feel anything when you leaned into your 'yes' or your 'no'?

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:15:58       Yeah, I mean, I think for me, the 'yes', and I've done a lot of work in and around, you know, appropriate boundaries and, and issues around being able to give an authentic 'yes' or not authentic 'no' to any sort of life situation. The sort of the general 'yes' for me is a little feeling of sort of butterflies a feeling of like wanting to smile or either giggle or laugh, and the 'no' certainly is a different sort of a darker space where I feel a little more like abdominal tension, a little apprehension, a little nausea or a subtleties around nausea. So I think they're pretty distinct, for me on how I feel about that.

 

Christina Reed:     00:16:37       Beautiful, good job tracking or your energy. That's exactly what we're looking for here. Ann did you have any situation?

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:16:44       I did. I also had a clear difference, I experienced a clear difference between my 'yes' and my 'no'. My 'yes' was more of a lightness feeling, up in my head actually going up through my scalp, and my 'no' was more of a contraction and it was also in my abdominal region.

 

Christina Reed:     00:17:05       Beautiful. Mine is super similar to both what you guys are saying. When I experienced my 'yes', it's kind of from my core to my heart and throat and it very much feels like a bubbling, effervescent, kinda that giddy thing that you were saying Sean, of like the butterflies, and I'm excited and I do want to smile. I'm like, "Oh, it's my 'yes'." And there's like, maybe even a little golden energy to it. And when I feel my 'no', it literally feels like I'm, yeah, it's in my abdominal and it feels like I'm pressing down and in, and it's just like any, immediately, like, 'no'. So this is a basic technique that I really try, I think, everybody should know this, think two-year-old's should know this which they do, instinctively. But this is a really good practice that I think, as society, we've gotten used to just kind of overruling and doing what our boss wants or doing what our lover wants and not acknowledging and tracking our own internal energy. Which when it comes to sex and relationships could really get you into some predicaments that you might not want to be in. So, this, to me, is like, one of the basic GoTo practices of, like, how to really track your own energy and stay in your, your true own independent 'yes', and you're independent 'no'.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:18:25       I think, that's great wisdom. In my mind, the issue around the yes-no plays into this sort of societal or cultural paradigm where you know no means no yes means yes. And you hear these things get bantered about in the media. Ultimately you may have sensations that say yes, you want to engage in some sort of sexual activity or foreplay or make-out session. However, the circumstances around that yes, may be culturally disdained; i.e., a married woman meets a man on a trip, is sexually attracted to him and decides that she has these yes feelings, however, culturally speaking that behavior, if she were to act out on that would be frowned upon. Can you talk about that dynamic?

 

Christina Reed:     00:19:19       Absolutely, this is another huge common theme that we have in sex and in relationships, right? Some of us have signed up to be married or to be monogamous or to be in long-term relationships, some of us are just dating for a short term; and yeah, what do you do when you're feeling a yes energy, but the agreements of relationships say that you shouldn't act in this way and this is actually a no, and you're going to get in trouble or you're going to break someone's heart if you do step into this space so this is a huge issue. This is why we have betrayal and divorce and you know, like this happens, you know, and children, children being born or being aborted because because something happened, you know that maybe wasn't, wasn't everybody's full yes, and wasn't in full alignment with everybody at the time. So I've personally got a practice that I use called S.H.A.R.E. And it's this really great acronym 'share', and I'd love to teach it to you guys now if you're,

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:20:23       Yeah, I know you kind of actually came prepared and I know you've developed some slides so maybe we can pop those open real quick and refer to them for the viewer.

 

Christina Reed:     00:20:32       Yeah, absolutely, and this is where you guys at home, if you want to take notes, this would probably be the most beneficial time for that. Yeah, shall I start?

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:20:40       Yeah, please do.

 

Christina Reed:     00:20:41       Great. So the acronym S.H.A.R.E., Is obviously S, H, A, R, E. And the way I usually initiate it is if I'm with a new person with a new lover entering into a new relationship space or love interest of some kind. Once we're out on a date and I'm getting that inner yes. And I'm like, "Oh, I really want to lean into this person." I'm finding myself being attracted and ignited and like I feel my yes here. Usually after my yes is there for a while, I'm probably going to want to physically connect in some way. Not necessarily all the way to penetrative sex, but there might, I might want some physical connection and that could quickly escalate. And so, in order to keep myself safe and stay in my own boundaries, this is a really good acronym to use, and usually one of the first things I say is like, "Hey, I'm really enjoying the energy that's arising between us, and are you open to me sharing something a little further with you?" And usually the other person is like, "yeah, absolutely, please do." So from there, I'm like, "great. Please don't be alarmed, I'm not trying to take this faster than what we want to go, but I just want to put this, some extra information out there on the table, so that we can decide where to go from here." I move in a little closer and usually give them some eye contact if we're there, a little bit of grounding touches is nice for this one too, cause we're going to start off with a pretty big bang. The first one is S H, and S H stands for Sexual Health, and this could potentially be a lot if you're on a first date or your third date. To kind of come in and be like, "Hey, I want to share my sexual health with you." And the way I go about doing that is the first thing I share is the last date, the month and the year that I was last tested and from there I say what I was tested for. And this includes, be really specific, like, you know, a lot of people just go in and get a blood test, but this is where I'm very specific about, "Hey, I was last tested in February of 2018 and/or February, 2019, and I was tested for a full panel of chlamydia, gonorrhea, AIDS, HIV, syphilis also had a herpes test." And if you're a woman, you can also, when you get your pap smear, you can ask for a culture to be done and get your HPV screened as well. And for those of you out there that enjoy oral sex, I'm one of them, Hi. I really recommend getting a throat swab a lot of us are not having unprotected oral sex and even if you are, I think it's a great idea to get a throat swab as often as you get tested. And this is something that most clinics are not going to offer you, you do have to make a request for it. So, this is what I share, when I was last tested, the month in the year, what I was tested for, what are the results of those tests, and the way you want to go about that is you want to say, "Hey, I tested either positive or negative for X, Y, Z or you can say "all clear." In the sacred sexuality industry, we like to avoid the word, saying, "clean." You know, I came back all clean because that could come across as really like derogatory or judgmental if someone else has a different reading on their sexual health. So saying "negative" or "all clear" is like, the more PC way to handle it. From there, this is the important part, this is where all of us may need to pay a bit more attention to the activities that we have. You want to list any risky behavior that you've had since that last test. Risky behavior means any unprotected sex you've had, this is anything, this is penetrative, this is oral, this is anal, this is like, this is now time to really be vulnerable and open and honest because if you're going to step into a space with someone where you're sharing fluids and sharing your body parts, this is how you do it with consent, you know? So this is a really important piece to be able to share what risky behavior you've had since you were last tested. And the final thing is, what your pregnancy plan is like. If something was to happen and the condom broke or whatever happened, what would you do? You know, and some people don't know the answer to that, and that can also be your answer. But if you're like, "no, I for sure don't want kids. I know that I would abort" or you know, "I'm definitely not going to abort". Like your lover needs to know this, like this is how you have, again, safe consensual sex. So that's the S H.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:25:23       May I ask a question, because as you said, this might be material for a first or third date, and it seems like a lot.

 

Christina Reed:     00:25:33       Yeah, I was just going to recommend that we take a deep breath cause that's like such, it's a big share. It's a really big vulnerable share to like, "wow, we've had dinner twice and went to a show and we've now discussed our pregnancy plan." It's a lot.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:25:50       Is that overwhelming for, for clients of yours? And if it is, what do you, what advice do you give them?

 

Christina Reed:     00:25:58       Yeah, sometimes it can definitely be overwhelming, and I think, one of the reasons that it's overwhelming is because it's new. You know, like a lot of us, the sex education that we got in elementary school did not include all of this. It was just like wrap it up and abstinence. I mean, and that was pretty much it and it never addressed, "Hey, what happens if you wrap it up and something still happens?" You know? We didn't go into all these, all these different, you know, faucets that can arise from this. So this can, this can definitely be a little nerve wracking. I have deep compassion for all of us that are like learning how to step into this and have, have these conversations, and at the same time, I think by the time I get through the whole share, once you get the hang of this, this can actually be pretty erotic and pretty arousing. It's one of the sexier parts of my my evening usually. I do find it like, I don't know, I've gotten the hang of doing it in a really flirtatious, just kind of loving way of like, Hey, this is where I'm at and I'm super curious to hear where you're at, so that then from there we can decide how we want to proceed.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:27:04       Yeah. Well, by definition, this is extremely intimate communication. So you can't avoid having some level of connectivity go on when you are having these reveals or shares or however you want to term them. Ultimately, it is critical that anybody who is going to be involved in an intimate relationship have an authentic, open and honest dialogue. And what you've started us down is a trail of evolving that level of talk so that people are fully aware of what their potential exposures are or safety nets are within that arena. Your ability to give and receive that information, I think is critical, especially if you're going to go to those depths of connection. So just this little piece you shared, in all honesty, as a physician can be lifesaving, period. You're talking about people now having a choice around whether or not to have intimate contact with another person who may be carrying a life threatening illness. And/Or, you might be exposing somebody to something that you want to protect them from. And if there's a true level of caring and love and connectivity, then that needs to be done, and no matter how that's received. I kind of want to, I don't want to ruin the flow, but I also want to explore this topic, is what happens with your clients when you see that one person say, "Hey, listen, I have, whether it's HIV or HPV or HSV, I have some communicable disease," and the other does not and how do you counsel folks on receiving that in a compassionate way, so that you don't either hurt or harm, or shut down this other person that can really scar him?

 

Christina Reed:     00:28:53       Yeah. Thank you. That is also a big, huge topic for this day and age. This is, this is something that a lot of us are facing. If you're not in a long-term monogamous relationship, chances are that at some point you are going to be matched in a situation where one or more of your partners has a different sexual health reality than what you do. And it's super important to know what your, what your boundaries are around that. So that's, that's where I start. I start with counseling them on, again, what is your yes and what is your no, for you and your body and your health. And then, okay, now, how are we going to communicate to this person that you do love about and that you do care about? Because, yeah, a lot of us could, could easily get the deer in the headlights and become shocked, and want to back up and pull away and that can be so hurtful to the person that was just really open and really vulnerable and just bared all, you know, and that could cause them to want to contract and not be as open and honest next time. So it is a really delicate dance and a balance. And there's going to be another technique that I teach us just a little bit later in the program that really addresses the fears, the fears that come up in sexuality and relationships. And that's, that's one of the things that I, I teach the clients, but first we, we explore how they feel. We give them permission to feel how they feel. You know, it's okay that if you're feeling protective and you're like, wow, I'm in love with this person and I really want to share, you know, I really want to share in this way and this is my hard boundary. Like this actually doesn't feel safe for me and I don't know what to do. And then that's again where I come in and try to find, I try, we try to find your yes in it. Is there a yes anywhere? Like do we need to put in just some very specific boundaries of like, yeah, we can have a really solid make-out but I'm not open to any genital touch. And you know, there are ways to have safe sex and still have a connection with somebody and not compromise your own boundaries, or your health. And it's just empowering people to do it. I think a lot of people don't think that that's even an option, unfortunately.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:31:09       Well, I guess we'll continue on the S.H.A.R.E. Acronym and move onto the 'A'.

 

Christina Reed:     00:31:11       Yeah, everybody's doing good. We made it through the big, the big one is the SH honestly. So everybody please practice that again and again at home because it is the biggest, most vulnerable one.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:31:23       Yeah, I think a lifesaving one, absolutely.

 

Christina Reed:     00:31:25       Yeah. Lifesaving is well-stated for sure. So from sexual health, we move on to the A, and A stands for your ability to be embodied and present. And what this means is this is like how available are you right now, you know, like how available are you to be really present and fully in your body. So the first, the first question I have people answer is how much energy do you have? On a scale of one to 10, you know, 0-1 being 'I'm wiped' and 'I'm dead' and need to pass out. 10 being I have a full tank of gas and I can go all day for hours. This is just a general energy check-in. Where are you on your energy scale? On a scale of one to 10? And it's like, "Oh, I'm at a seven, you know, I've been at work all day, I worked eight hours, I'm a little hungry and I'm delighted to be here with you now. And you know, want to give as much energy and attention to you as I can." That's an honest answer. You know, of like I'm a seven out of 10. The next space that we go into is, have you had any substances this includes everything, this includes that cold beer that you had after work, or the glass of wine that you had when you got home while you were making dinner. Have you had any substances? If so, when, what did you have, and how much, and this is across the board for everything. This is, this is everything legal and illegal. This is again, how we stay in consent with sex. So it's like, did you have any wine? Did you have any marijuana? Did you have psychedelics? Are you on prescription medications? Like, any of these things that could alter your mood, need to be spoken to and it needs to be like shared. So it's like, "yeah, you know, I'm at a seven out of 10 out of my inner, on my energy scale. I've had one glass of wine and I'm working on my second as we speak." "Great. Thanks for sharing." Right? The final question with the ability to be embodied and fully present is, are you under any emotional distress? And it's like, "You know, yeah. As a matter of fact, I had a really intense day at work. My boss yelled at me and then my child called and like, you know, got sent to the principal's office," and just speaking to these things, you know, you don't have to go into like great detail, but just touching on, yeah, you know, "I have a sick parent at home that I'm taking care of. So there is a little bit of that." This again lets everybody know, whoever you're sharing with, your lovers or whatever it is, it just lets them know where you're at, lets them know where you're at, one, physically in your body, what your energy level is, are there any substances in you that could alter your mood? And also where are you at mentally and emotionally? Like what, how available are you to share heart space and intellectual space? So I think this is also another really good thing to tune into that we rarely, we rarely ask each other.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:34:26       Yeah, I think this is so important and really so vulnerable. If you're going to tell someone, "Hey, I am struggling with depression, I'm on antidepressants," then that is something that a person that you're going to step into a space of real intimacy should know.

 

Christina Reed:     00:34:45       Absolutely. And you just nailed it. Same thing with like, "Oh, I have a sick child or a sick parent." And if you were to step into a space of, you know, sex or making love and the other person starts to cry or weep, this could be why, you know, and this is now, we don't have to take this personally and think that, "Oh, am I doing it right?" Or "Am I doing a good job?" It just might be that, "Wow, this person has emotions that have been bottled up that actually need to be released," and now this could come up, could have, has the potential to become a really good healing practice, and a ritual versus having to hide this. You know? And not expose ourselves fully to the people that we're opening our bodies to.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:35:28       And it also gives us a baseline for maybe decisions. And going back to that, yes, no dynamic because if somebody had a hard day, if somebody is not in that mental, emotional, spiritual space to have intimacy, then there's a dialogue around that so that the partner doesn't feel rejected or you know, shoved away in the process. I think this is another level of deepening that connection so that whatever shared intimacy takes place, it's appropriate and everyone's on the same page. So that's excellent. So thank you.

 

Christina Reed:     00:36:01       Yeah, you said it perfectly Sean. It gives you choice, right? Because if you're the person that has a 10 out of 10 energy-wise and in-comes, your partner that says, I'm almost wiped, I'm out a five out of 10, and yeah, you know, I, I'm exhausted. I had a really tough day. Well, is it really your yes. To step into this space with this person, you know, or if they are having emotional overwhelmed with something like this is so good to come back to that and, and really be truthful with yourself and the people that you're sharing intimacy with. So I think A is important. And then from A, we move on to the R, and R stands for relationship status. The way I remember that is R is for 'ring'. Ring can help you remember relationships sometimes, so relationship status is pretty straight up and pretty, pretty straight forward. It's, "are you single, are you married? Are you divorced? Are you widowed?" If you are in relationship, what kind of relationship are you in? Are you in a monogamous relationship? Are you in an open relationship? Is it polyamorous? Like what's going on with your relationship status? Once people then share this with me, there's two of them. If someone says that they're divorced, I always inquire just a little bit further just to make sure. And again, I listened to my inner yes and no to like track truthfulness and integrity. But I always ask when, when did you get divorced and how are you doing since that, you know, cause that can, that's one of the most biggest transitions we can have. So that's a huge issue in sex and relationships and what you can emotionally be available to bring to the table. So that's a big question to inquire further with. If somebody says they're in an open relationship or in a polyamorous relationship, I also always ask what are the agreements of your relationship, what are the agreements and one of the boundaries and what kind of container have have you guys set within your relationship. So that's relationship status. Any questions about that one?

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:38:15       Yeah, the concept of sharing within that paradigm in some ways seems pretty concrete; however, let's say somebody is in a, quote/unquote, open relationship or a polyamorous relationship, you may not have the other partner there to verify those facts. And it really, you have to be checking in to say, "Hey, listen, does this seem right?" And then the same thing goes with a divorced and/or separated, I mean, cause there was a portion of folks that are legally separated and they're no longer either living with their spouse or with their partners. So therefore, that's another opportunity for clarity, and ultimately this is just another layer of the onion trying to get to what the facts are so that you can make decisions around that. But yeah, I think you do have to sort of take their word for it around some of these other issues that, whether it be polyamory, or openness of a relationship. So, I mean, this is interesting for certain because I think a lot of folks, culturally speaking, have sort of grown up, are embedded in the model that says, "Hey, listen, are you married?" "No." "Are you single? Yes or no?" And that's it. And so when we talk about these other issues I think, one thing, that we didn't talk about but is as interesting is the idea of bisexuality or gender fluidity. So if they think that they are interested in men and a woman, and that may come and go over time, or they may identify as a man or a woman and that may change over time. Have you dealt with those specifically and if so, how?

 

Christina Reed:     00:39:47       Yeah, absolutely. Thank you for including that one. That's another piece that we do weave into this, usually sexual orientation and sexual preference can either come in and the S H kind of the sexual health part or right here at the relationship status. This is another good time of like, "Hey, I am bi, you know, and bi-central or you know, I'm queer or whatever your status is." Or, I don't know, "I'm super fluid and I love everything and everything's, everything's on the sexual menu." Which is kind of where we're at in 2019, like similar to you, Sean, when I grew up, like it was pretty, it was pretty straight forward. You were either married or you were single, and you were either in monogamy or not, and that's just not the case anymore. Like there is just so many, there's thousands of different sexual constellations and equations out there that I'm still, you know, I'm in this industry and I'm still blown away sometimes by the arrangements that people have figured out to work for themselves. And it's fascinating. It's honestly fascinating to see how we've learned how to love more than one person. So no judgment on whatever it is, your preferences and absolutely learning how to share it and learning how to just own it and, and speak to it and be like, "yeah, you know, I'm in a relationship with a man, and I also love to sleep with women," or whatever it may be, you know, and just really learning how to share that and be open about that.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:41:15       Right. Again, information and communication critical. So yeah, you want to go in and step over into the 'E'?

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:41:21       Yeah. I think this actually leads in very well to our last letter, which is E.

 

Christina Reed:     00:41:27       Yeah, we're almost, we're almost there. So 'E' is definitely one of the game changers. I feel like this is one that can save a lot of heartache and a lot of headache. And E is 'Expectations', and this is one that it seems like would be so common sense for us to discuss, "Hey, if we step into a space of exploring this sensual energy, even if it's just a make-out at the park, or if we actually, you know, put our bodies inside each other. What does that mean? Like what are my expectations for right now in this moment? And what are my expectations for aftercare? So right now in this moment, expectations mean what do you need? What do you need right now in this moment? And also knowing that as time progresses, you're allowed to continually speak to that. You know what you need right now at the park, laying on a blanket in the sunshine, might be different in an hour and a half, once you've maybe transitioned back to someone's home right? Or there might be some new expectations that now need to be spoken to. So letting this be a continuing conversation Aftercare is, as best you can in that moment, tuning into, "Hey, if we do share sensual energy and intimacy on whatever level, what am I going to need? You know, what, what happens? Like tomorrow? Are you my baby daddy or do I need to come to the family reunion? Are we getting married? Like, what's happening or, or do I, is this just right now? Is this a one night thing and I don't ever want to see you again and I don't ever want to call you again." Really being able to speak to this. I know for most people the truth of the matter is for aftercare is that they do need a little followup, like after sharing energy and being in a passionate space of sharing chemistry and connection that usually like within three days, most people would appreciate a text or a phone call and being able to speak to this up front before you step in, step into that space and being like, "Hey, I would love to have a check in in a couple of days. I would love it if you would reach out and check on me and see how I'm doing." Again, now the other person has choice of whether or not they're available to do that and whether or not they want to do that.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:43:55       And that's, I think, critically important when we dive deep into that emotional sea that all of us carry within us, is what are those expectations? I mean, it certainly would be sad if you're both looking at engaging in some sort of sexual contact or level of intimacy, and one person's like, "Wow, I, I could foresee a wonderful relationship with this person." And the other person's like "Uh what's your name again?" That could be heartbreaking for the one who has a deeper thought process around where this might go. And I think especially with young adults and teenagers, that hormones, and expectations and situations can be overwhelming at times that they will, for whatever reason, get involved in a sexual relationship even if it's just out of fear of either being left alone or not having that connection or doing what everyone else is doing, and find themselves heartbroken because those expectations were mismatched grossly, you know? So maybe speak to that a little bit, because I think sometimes people will end up in marriages or long-term relationships where there's a lot of suffering. When there could have been a conversation within the first few encounters that could have squared up all that stuff.

 

Christina Reed:     00:45:06       Absolutely. Perfect segue into the next thing, which is like an extra level of communication to really clarify what we're doing here. So S.H.A.R.E., I use share when connecting with people in a new, in a new way like new relationship status. Like that's when we need to share, right? And just to wrap that up to give you guys one last time, that are taking notes at home. 'S H' is sexual health, when you were tested, when you were last tested, what you were tested for, what the results of those tests were, any risky behavior that you've had since then, what your pregnancy plan is. 'A' Is your ability to be embodied and present, so what's your current energy level is on a scale of one to 10, any substances that you might have had or taken and put in your body, and any emotional distress that you might be under. 'R' Is relationship status, sexual orientation, showing where you currently are in that. And 'E' is your expectations for right now, and for aftercare. Once you've gotten through that conversation, if everything in your being is still a yes and everything in the other person's being is still a yes, now we get to proceed. Now we get to like make out and maybe take our clothes off and have some skin on skin play, or whatever it is that you've negotiated. And this next piece that I'm going to teach you is really good for negotiation process of like, okay, great. Now what do we do and how far do we go, and what's our full yes in this moment. So the next piece is called 'desires, fears, and boundaries'. And again, you're sitting there with your partner or partners, however many people you're choosing to play with in this moment. And the first share is you share what you really desire. Like what do you desire in this marriage in this sexual act for the evening. And again, this is where I really encourage you to be explicit, of like, within my marriage, I desire THIS. You know, this is how I want my partner to show up and this is how much time I want to spend together and these are the kinds of things I want to do. And same thing with like, "Hey, I want to take you home tonight and I want to put you on my mouth and I want to taste you. And explore pleasure." Like, being very specific, I think is helpful. Like speaking in like a theorial terms of like, you know, I just want to connect and being very specific. How do you want to connect and what are you ready to do right now in this moment? Right? And sometimes this can also be a consent thing of like, you know, in this moment I feel like I'm a yes to a make-out and a little bit of fondling. I'm open to like some skin on skin play, but I don't know that I'm available for penetration tonight and I want to check in and have consent along the way as we go. Beautiful. Right? Cause we don't know, sometimes we don't know how far we're ready to go just yet. So first I have everybody do the desire, share, and you usually go one at a time, like let, let one person share and do their whole thing, their desires, fears and boundaries, and then let the other person go. But the desire part is usually the buildup. It's the juicy like, "Hey, this is what I'm ready for." This is, "I'm going to put myself out there and be a little bold and be a little courageous and be like, yeah, I would love to taste you and explore your body and put my skin next to yours." From there we go into fears, the F. Usually after sharing what your desires are, you're one of our natural fears is that, I'm going to be rejected, or that we'll start to step into this space and there won't be chemistry or there won't be connection or that the energy will fizzle out. Or for men, I won't stay hard or for women, not just for, for everybody. You know, there's, there's a huge fear of like, Hey, I won't be able to maintain an erection. For a lot of us there's a fear of like, you won't be physically attracted to me or aroused by me. Those are some that I still have and speak to on a regular basis. So then you share your fears, which now we're getting into the, like the depth of the intimacy and the vulnerability and like the tender, like these can be some really tender moments of like, "Hey, I have the fear that I am going to get attached to you, if I let you in my body and I let you penetrate me and taste me and do all these amazing things, and we have an amazing erotic evening, I fear that I'm going to want more, and that you might not be available for that." Like that's a huge one. Right? So you share your fears and then from there you go into B and B is your boundaries. So kind of staying with the same thing of what I've been saying is like, "yeah, I desire to share energy with you and to explore the sexual space that I feel perculating between us. My fear is that, you know, I will be rejected or that the chemistry will die or you won't be attracted to me. And my boundary is that we don't have penetrative sex tonight, and my boundaries that we have a safe word and we check in along the way." And anything else you might have boundaries, including time, boundaries of like, you know, "I have to work tomorrow, like I have to be at work at 8:00 AM and I have meetings starting early. So I have a time boundary of like being home by 11:00 PM or being home by midnight." Anything like boundaries really include like space, you know. Do you want this person to sleep over at your house? I have a boundary that you go back to your place when we finish this. Like th these are important things to share. Any time boundaries, you might have any sound boundaries, you might have, a lot of people have children or others, you know, if you have roommates or other people that you're kind of, cohabiting with. Like that's another thing to discuss. Absolutely your safe sex boundaries. Having a safe word I think is absolutely an excellent idea. And in anything. So that's a great thing for boundaries. And then other really simple things about like how, how you want to be touched, you know, like I have a boundary around spanking, you know, like I want to be spanked medium to firm, but my hair pulling boundary is like soft to medium ,and I'm super open to being choked, but I don't want to be bit at all. These are boundaries, you know, and again, like that's maybe a little bit more extreme and, and graphic for some of us, but some of us are really into, into some kinky play and into, into some touch and into rolling around like that. And it's good to know because in the heat of the moment, if someone spanks you too hard or pulls your hair too much, it can absolutely kill it. And you know, one of us could get very offended and pull our energy back and feel really violated. So it's just good to discuss this stuff up front and it can be so hot to be like, "Oh, this person's open to being spanked and having their hair pulled. That's good to know."

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:52:15       Well, you brought up a very good point about a safe word and I think in prior conversations we talked about what that word should be, versus "no, leave me alone" or "you disgust me" or you know, "help, I'm out of here." You used a different word that was very neutral and very receptive for your clients. And then can you talk about that?

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:52:33       Oh, can I just add to that before you share that with us? You know, in the past I had, I had this notion of a safe word only being appropriate for extreme situations. Like you were just talking about a little bit. But after hearing you talk, it sounds like it can actually be used in a variety of situations. Is that right?

 

Christina Reed:     00:52:59       The safe- I mean, I think the safe word it can be for, it can be cause you're starting to get into a heated argument. You know, you're at your parents' house at Christmas and you need to whip the safe word out to like get your partner to rescue you so that you can go outside and get some fresh air. You can, I recommend everybody have a safe word for everything, you and your girlfriend go out, you know, anything like that I think, I think it's a really good really good thing to have. And one of the words that, and you can come up with anything, I've got some silly ones that you're welcome to use, one is 'marshmallow cream puff' 'pineapple juice'. Those are just like some specific safe words that I use, but the one that you're referencing, Sean, that I think is a really good universal one for like just kind of like beginning into this learning how to learning how to start into this realm is 'pause'. Like the word 'pause', like really being able to just like- you're, you know, no matter what age bracket you are or what your demographic is, really just being able to be like, I need to pause. And I use the pause all the time, like sometimes I use the pause, like right in the middle of a really heated, passionate lovemaking section, because I want to pause. I don't want it to stop. I just want to like stop and just kind of soak into each other and like put our hearts together and come into a place of breath and that pause escalates the energy, right? So you can use it in that way. There's also the pause that like, I need a minute, you know, I need us to separate our bodies. I need to step out. I need to go to the restroom. I need to get fresh air, I need to tune back into my own energy and see if I'm still a yes or if my no is present. Pause is huge, and I think pause sometimes being able to say to pause, because 'no' can be really scary, for whichever, for the person hearing 'no'. Or for the person that has to say no. It can feel very, very scary, it can be very tough to get yourself to, like, be able to articulate that. For the other person, it can create worry or stress or accusations or you know, there's all this stigma around the 'no' and at the same time 'no' is a complete sentence. And if you need to say no, then I absolutely encourage you to say no. And if you're unsure and you don't know whether you're a 'no' or a 'yes', I think 'pause' is a really great alternative.

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:55:28       Now, last night you also said something that I really liked. You said that 'no' can be celebrated.

 

Christina Reed:     00:55:37       Absolutely. Yeah. Your 'no' just means that you're a yes to something else. So if somebody in the middle of sex is just like, "Hey, do you want to move into this position" or, "do you wanna like move to this other place in the house or outside or on the balcony?" And they're like, "no, I don't." You know, 'no' can still be celebrated, because that just means that they're a 'yes' to something else. So sometimes really being able to negotiate and find the other person's 'yes'. I'm like, "no, I'm a 'no' to anal, but I'm a 'yes' to this," or, I'm just- really, it's a, it can be an exploration and a discovery process, and it can be really sexy and juicy if you can kind of just stay in that flirtatious moment of like, "Okay, I hear your, 'no', what is your 'yes'? Can you tell me, can you share one of your yeses with me? Can you share one of your fantasies or a sexual hottest movie or, you know, do you have a yes. That you wanna that you want to share with me?"

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:56:42       No, this is, this is awesome. I think your take on sacred sexuality is very unique in the sense that it is multilayered and multi-dimensional. And, and just in the short time that we've talked, has proven to me to possess so many tools and applications for anybody out there who's going to engage with another person almost on any level. I am, I am humbled by your level of knowledge in this area, and the way you've carried this information forward. So again, I want to thank you for taking your time with us today to share this. And I know that we're going to be speaking more in the future on topics like this because they are not covered with this level of passion, empathy, and authenticity very often. So Christina, thank you for doing that. Ann what are your thoughts as we wrap up here today?

 

Dr. Barnet:         00:57:41       Yeah, I just so appreciate your integrity, and I feel like this conversation has really been an invitation to look at sex and really a call for us to all experience sex in a sacred way, and really to come into a place of integrity with ourselves in order to then be in integrity with the people that we're interacting with. And that, this can apply to so many different areas of our life and really enhance our well-being and our health in so many ways. So thank you so much.

 

Christina Reed:     00:58:23       You are so welcome.

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:58:25       Yeah. Any closing words today?

 

Christina Reed:     00:58:29       I mean, this has been so fun. Thank you for like, you know, welcoming me into the medical platform with this. Like, I really do feel like sex, you know, as you've said, is such an important part of our lives and intimacy and not only our physical health but our emotional health and wellbeing. And I think most of us very much want this to be, to be something that's active and you know, creating vitality and nourishment in our lives. So yeah, I just thank you for welcoming me here and allowing me to share some tools and techniques that hopefully will help all of us have a safer, healthier, happier sex life.

 

Speaker 2:          00:59:07       Wonderful. Well, Christina Reed, again, such a pleasure to have you here and thank you so much for making the time for this interview. Ann, again, thank you for joining us here on The Medicine Wheel, It's good to see you. Again thank you to all of our listeners and viewers. It's been a blessing to have you here, and we wish you safe travels and sacred sex.

 

Christina Reed:     00:59:28       Yes!

 

Dr. Devlin:         00:59:28       The Medicine Wheel signing off. Take care for now.

 

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